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FOSTERING COMPASSION IN OUR CHILDREN THROUGH COMMUNICATION
In our marriage, friendships and work life we intend to speak in a way that creates effective, meaningful interactions characterized by respect and compassion. So, how do parents maintain this intention in our communication with our children when we want them to cooperate? Some ways in which we achieve cooperation are to:
•Reward them when they do as we want
•Coerce them to do as we want them to do
•Punish them when they don’t do as we want them to do.
These alternatives all put the parent in the role of an authoritarian figure where we are using our power over our children to get what we want. Using these alternatives to get a child or an adult to behave in a certain way are likely to be met with resistance because these methods threaten one’s autonomy, or right to do what they want to do. One does not need to be a parent for long to realize that you cannot make someone do what you want them to do. Think of the last time you tried to get your 4 year old to eat all of his vegetables, or to get your teenager to empty the garbage. Using punishment, coercion or rewards frequently involves a power struggle that leaves the parent feeling exhausted and the kids angry.
So, how do we as parents communicate in a way that creates respect and compassion, where both children’s and parent’s needs matter when we are trying to get our children to cooperate? Three skills that a parent can use are: Anticipating Success, Descriptive Praise and Reflective Listening.
1. Anticipating Success includes providing children with an infrastructure that facilitates success including, enough sleep and rest for the child’s developmental age, nourishing food, safety, a clean environment, structure and a caring, loving environment. Knowing your child’s temperment and coping style and having age appropriate expectations guides a parent in making choices about what is best for the child. Other techniques that facilitate success in planning include:
•Be proactive, create solutions by anticipating the child’s needs in a situation.
• Plan your day with realistic time frames.
•Prepare the environment to facilitate the child’s success.
•Establish age appropriate rules and routines, use checklists. Meet with the child to discuss the new rules. Do a “talk through” of the new rules and routines. Write the rules down so everyone remembers. Explain to the child the “why” of routines and rules as part of the training.
• Establish age appropriate rewards and consequences. Use descriptive praise to reinforce the new behaviors.
• Verbally rehearse new routines and expectations including use of story books and pictures.
•Never do for the child what he/she can do for self so that the child can master routines and gain self-confidence and independence.
2. Descriptive Praise is the most powerful motivating tool that a parent can use. It can reduce the number of incidents of misbehavior, it conveys values and rules, and it increases the child’s confidence and cooperation. Descriptive Praise is about noticing and describing the good things that the child does.
•It is about noticing effort rather than results
•It sets a mood in the parent-child relationship because the parent is more aware of the child’s effort
•It is positive and optimistic
•It describes the positive behavior specifically rather than generally.
3. Reflective Listening is a way of providing a caring, nurturing environment for our children If we want a child to be a compassionate, caring human being who respects others, we need to respond to them in respectful, caring ways. Reflective Listening is used to:
•Show that feelings matter
•Show that it is possible to talk about uncomfortable or complicated feelings
•Show that the parent cares about the child’s feelings
•Teach the child that all feelings are acceptable, even though certain behavior is not
•Teach the child a vocabulary for articulating feelings
Reflective Listening is done by:
•Listening quietly and attentively
•Giving the feeling a name or identifying the child’s feeling
•Setting aside your own feelings temporarily
•Refraining from interrupting, arguing reasoning or justifying with the child
Using the skills of Anticipating Success, Descriptive Praise and Reflective Listening parents can demonstrate compassion and caring for their child while shaping cooperative behavior. In turn, the child will develop motivation to cooperate, positive self esteem and empathy for others.
For a more detailed description of the above skills refer to other blog entries on the Parents-Central website, www.parents-central.com
Thanksgiving Is An Opportunity To Teach Children Gratitude
Across America we are entering the holiday season. Halloween, with its abundance of candy and costumes gives way to Thanksgiving, a day when we focus on givng thanks for our blessings. It is important to teach children the historical and spiritual meaning of Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is rooted in religious and cultural traditions of thanking God for special blessings. The first Thanksgiving in the United States was celebrated by the settlers in 1621. The settlers suffered hard times but decided to set aside a day to thank God for their blessings. At the first Thanksgiving meal Elder William Brewster said a prayer thanking God for their homes, food, safety in a new land, the opportunity to create a new world, freedom and justice. The United States was the first country to make a national holiday to give thanks when George Washington proclaimed the first Thanksgiving in 1789.
Another part of the Thanksgiving holiday is experiencing and expressing gratitude. Feeling gratitude is an acknowledgement of the gifts that we have in our life. A sense of gratitude can be a balance to stressful events, giving a positive perspective to balance negative situations. Adults who are grateful report having fewer health problems more energy and a greater sense of well being. People who have a sense of gratitude are appreciative and compassionate as opposed to entitled. (Who wouldn’t want our children to have these feelings.)
Activities to help children to understand the meaning of Thanksgiving and develop a sense of gratitude include:
- Watching The Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, available on www.youtube.com
- Having each family member make a list of things they are thankful for and sharing it with other members of the family. This should be done on a routine basis, not just on Thanksgiving.
- Role model saying thank you and please and writing thank you notes. Thanking others for kind acts in the presence of your children.
- Teaching children to write thank you notes for gifts as well as kind acts from others.
- Teaching children to say thank you to others for kind acts.
- Share the history of Thanksgiving with children. Check out children’s books from the library and read them together.
- Involve children in cooking the Thanksgiving meal and cleaning up after the meal.
- Have children send invitations to the Thanksgiving meal.
- Do something to assist a person in need: plan and implement it with your children.
- Establish or reinforce family traditions for the Thanksgiving holiday.
- Because the holiday traditionally celebrates the abundant harvest and having enough food, donate food to a local food bank. Visit the San Francisco and Marin Food Bank website for specifics of donating, http://www.sffoodbank.org/
- Set up a food fund drive at your church, office or school. The San Francisco and Marin Food Bank website has detailed information on how to do this http://www.sffoodbank.org/
Best wishes to all for a Happy Thanksgiving Holiday.
The Skill of Reflective Listening
At the top of the list of attributes that we want our child to have are self-confidence and self-awareness. Through the development of these attributes children develop self-reliance, motivation and acceptance of others. So, what skills do we need as parents to develop these attributes in our children? The most important skill that we need to develop these attributes is called REFLECTIVE LISTENING.
What is REFLECTIVE LISTENING? Reflective listening is a way of providing a caring, nurturing environment for our children. If we want a child to be a caring human being who respects others, we need to respond to them in respectful, caring ways. Through reflective listening our children know we value their dignity. They “feel felt,” giving them a sense of well being that results in stress reduction.
Why is Reflective Listening important?
- Show that feelings matter
- Show that it is possible to talk about uncomfortable or complicated feelings
- Show that we care about the child’s feelings
- Teach the child that all feelings are acceptable, even though certain behavior is not
- Defuse an uncomfortable situation
- Reduce a child’s urge to act out because the child feels heard
- Teach the child a vocabulary for articulating how they feel
- Reduce whining, anger and frustration
How do I use the skill of Reflective Listening?
- Listen quietly and attentively
- Verbally acknowledge the child’s feelings with a word
- Give the child his wishes in a fantasy
- Set aside your own feelings temporarily
- Refrain from interrupting, arguing reasoning or justifying
- Give the feeling a name
Examples of the use of Reflective Listening
Identify the child’s feelings and the situation related to the feeling
“Are you upset because you did not get a higher grade on your math test?”
Acknowledge the child’s feelings
“You sound happy.”
“You sound tired.”
Acknowledging the child’s feelings tentatively
“Are you feeling hurt because you were not invited to Jonah’s birthday party?”
“I am wondering if you feel hurt because you were not invited to Jonah’s party.”
Use sounds such as “Mmm,” or “Oh” when the child is describing a situation to demonstrate your attention and non-judgmental response
Use a word to describe the feeling
“Perhaps you feel disappointed”
Link the feeling with the situation related to the feeling
“Perhaps you feel disappointed because your team lost.”
Give the child in fantasy what you can’t give him in reality
“Wouldn’t it be great if you could stay at the amusement park until it closes.”
“Wouldn’t it be great if you didn’t need sleep.”
“Wouldn’t it be great if we could eat ice cream every day.”
Accept the child’s feelings even as you stop unacceptable behavior
“You are still angry about losing your book and you are kicking your desk. I can’t allow that. You can tell me about what is most upsetting about losing your book.”
“You are upset that Billy took your toy and you are hitting him. I can’t allow you to hurt Billy. You can tell me when you are upset when someone takes your toy and we can find a solution.”
REFLECTIVE LISTENING is a skill that is useful in establishing and maintaining all relationships: with family, colleagues, friends, as well as in professional or contractual relationships. It is most useful in our relationships with our children because of the long term effects on their self image and social adaptation.
How Can I Help My Child Transition Back to School?
SUMMER VACATION IS OVER!
OH! Now the WHOLE FAMILY has to transition BACK TO SCHOOL.
How do I get my child to school on time?
How do I transition my child back to homework?
How will the whole family adjust to a new schedule?
How much screen time should children have?
Teacher, author and parenting expert Noel Janis-Norton answered these questions last November in an article by the Pacific Sun. Noel Janis-Norton will be in Marin County in November 2011 for two seminars at Bacich Elementary School.
CALMER, EASIER, HAPPIER PARENTING: THE ESSENTIAL SKILLS
November 12 from 1pm to 6 PM.
PARENTING CHILDREN AND TEENS WITH SPECIAL NEEDS: LEARN HOW PARENTING CAN BE CALMER, EASIER AND HAPPIER
11/13 from 1PM to 5:30 PM, with a question and answer period from 5:45 PM to 7 PM.
How To Choose Out Of School Activities
As school begins there is often a feeling of a new start, a new year. At this time parents and children often consider activities for the child to be engaged in outside of school. In reading POSITIVE NOT PUSHY by Cassandra Jardine there some recommendations about how to choose out of school activites and how to assist children to be successful in these activities.
POSITIVE NOT PUSHY is about how not to be a pushy parent. It is a how to book about attitudes and behaviors parents can use to insure children’s success in out of school activities. It is based on techniques the author learned from Noel Janis-Norton and Luke Scott. In addition, Jardine spoke to children, adults who had been successful as children and parenting experts. She posits that parents need to be “effectively pushy.”
In choosing children’s out of school activities, some parents take the point of view of not being pushy and letting children decide for themselves what they want to do, not making children do anything that isn’t “fun.” Jardine argues that parents have a responsibility to expose children to extracurricular activities to nurture their talents, use their imaginations, acquire skills, broaden their interests, develop confidence, fitness, relaxaton, self-discipline, self-reliance, relaxation, social ease and team spirit. Activities should be chosen considering the child’s temperment, age and stage of development.
Jardine differentiates between positive pushiness and negative pushiness. Negative pushiness includes:
- The parent who is critical of a child for not winning or trying hard enough. This parent is focused only on results.
- The protective parent who is critical of the coach when the child does not do well including wanting the child to be given special treatment. This type of parent protects the child from experiencing the consequendes of his own actions.
- The impatient parent makes the child feel that he or she is not doing well enough.
- The parent who is unrealistic about the child’s talents or the level of skill the child might achieve. This parent may complain to coaches and teachers about the role that their child is given in school plays and athletic teams.
- Parents who want their children to be the best in the class and get angry at them when they make mistakes. This approach causes children to loose confidence in themselves.
- The frustrated achiever who wants the child to achieve for the parent’s own needs. This kind of parent can make a child feel anxioius and uncared about.
- The ambitious parent expects the child and family to benefit, usually financially, from the child’s talent.
- The single minded parent focuses on making the child stick to one acitvity and failing to help the child develop a range of talents and skills.
- The self sacrificial parent who makes the child feel guilty when he or she does not meet the parent’s expectations.
- The controlling parent who wants to be in charge of the child’s progress.
- The overstimulating parent who keeps the child busy to the point of exhaustion.
- The unconfident parent who is unable to make priorities, over explaining and negotiating with the child to engage in the activity.
Negative pushy parenting can adversely effect the child’s motivation, self image, confidence and parent-child relationship.
Positive pushy parenting begins when the child is young and the pushy parenting behaviors are age appropriate for the child. At an early age, it is important to play with the child to determine the child’s interests and skills. Young children benefit from running, catching, jumping, keeping an eye on the game, playing within a boundary and following instructions and rules. Activities should be age appropriate, not above the child’s ability, which could leave the child frustrated. Through family activities, children learn values, skills and build relationships within the family.
Positive pushy parents are methodical in choosing coaches and teachers for their child’s out of school activities. The coach or teacher should be calm, fair, nonjudgmental, encouraging, skillful in the activity, understand how children learn, know how to motivate children, able to relate to parents and consistent in establishing routines and enforcing rules. If parents coach their own children in sports or the arts, they must suspend the role of parent and assume the role of coach during the activity.
What activity will suit a child? This question can be answered by considering:
- Which activities are conveniently available
- The child’s talent, temperment and maturity
- Financial resources
- Gaps in the school curriculum
- Activities that give the child confidence
- Activities that the child is interested in.
In choosing an activity, general considerations are: one new activity at a time, set short term goals that foster motivation and are achievable, set trial periods after which there will be a review, not signing up children for too many activities and be realistic about what the child can achieve. In choosing activities for the less confident child, putting children in activities that they are not good at to help them improve will cause the child frustration and reduce confidence. In all activities, teach children to problem solve rather than give answers to all of their questions. Activities such as household chores, can help a child to feel part of the family and successful in activities of daily living. In deciding whether a child joins an advanced group or not, a child gets more confidence from being at the top of lower group than being at the bottom of a higher one. Anxious parents who protect their child from disappointment make it harder for the child to accept disappointment. It is important for children to see things as they are and be supported in their disappointment.
Positive pushy parents can help their children to be good participants and team members through the following behaviors:
- Establish daily and weekly routines for practice and preparation
- Discourage the child’s complaints
- Use descriptive praise to acknowledge positive behavior
- Attend the child’s practice sessions, concerts and matches
- Create healthy habits including nutrition, sleep, and a balance of activities
- Get the child to lessons on time with the right clothing and equipment
- Submit forms and fees on time
- Talk about the activity with the child
- Show appreciation and respect for the coach’s efforts
- Focus on the child’s efforts rather than on winning
- Celebrate the child’s success.
Getting a child to practice can be a struggle. How does a parent assist the child to practice (be engaged) in a new activity? Make practice a habit: the point of practice is progress, not perfection. If the child is resisting practice try to understand what it is about practice that the child feels is objectionable. Help the child to set specific, routine times to practice. Many children hate practicing. Why? Some of the reasons are: It feels lonely, parents are critical or impatient, the child doesn’t see progress. Work with the teacher or coach and child to define content of practice sessions, set goals for each practice and make sure that the child is rested and fed before practice sessions. Talk about the practice sessions with the child and acknowledge the child’s judgment about the quality of the performance.
Children know what they want but not what they need. There are circumstances why a parent should choose not to meet the child’s wishes including: the child can already do the activity well, the child wants to pursue the activity to be popular or to please parents, the activity interest is impulsive, and the activity is not good for the child. In considering whether to meet the child’s wish to pursue an activity, finding a compromise is often an advantage. Choice in a child’s activities should not be left to the child. The parent needs to oversee that there is a balance of activities including sports, the arts and domestic arts.
Jardine’s book offers practical and effective advice parents can use to insure children’s success in out of school activities. Using her advice, parents will be able to assist their children to nurture their talents; use their imaginations; acquire skills; broaden their interests; develop confidence, fitness, relaxaton, self-discipline, self-reliance, relaxation, social ease and team spirit.
POSITIVE NOT PUSHY by Cassandra Jardine, March 2005 by Vermilion publishers.