Every child wants to be appreciated and get positive attention from each parent. Children view sibling as rivals for parents’ appreciation and positive attention. Thus, the term “sibling rivalry.” So, the antidote to sibling rivalry is clear: individual, positive attention from each parent on a routine basis so that siblings do not have to “fight” for it. When siblings routinely squabble it may be because their needs for recognition and appreciation are not being met.
Parents can create an environment that reduces rivalry in several ways.
•Set routine times to be alone with each child, where the child knows that they will have the parent all to themselves, even if for only fifteen minutes each day. The times can be written on a calendar or bulletin board. This is called quality time. Quality time should not be time connected with homework or music practice where the child could feel evaluated. Quality time is not about being with a child while focusing on something else (multitasking), entertaining the child, spending money on experiences or gifts, doing something for the child, or watching TV. It is about spending time together that is mutually satisfying and involves interacting, including snuggling, tickling, wrestling, playing games, playing music together, or reading. Parents can take advantage of driving in the car together, walking the dog together, or cooking a meal together. Where there are several children of different ages, bed times can be staggered so that each child spends time with the parent before bed.
•Each child should have a space in the home where personal belongings can be kept safely, free from disturbance. Parents need to reinforce the importance of each child’s individual space. There should be clear, pre set consequences for taking a sibling’s belongings without permission.
•Have a designated, neutral place in the house where children can go to resolve squabbles. A way for a parent to stay out of the conflict is to send the children to the designated place when they are squabbling. For example, when children are squabbling do not reprimand, even to say, “Stop it.” Simply ask the children, “Where do you need to go if you are squabbling?” The parent can always remove oneself.
•Encourage individuality. Older children should have different privileges than younger children. Address and facilitate each child’s interests and assets. Using descriptive praise to acknowledge a child’s individual assets and successes, helps the child feel appreciated and valued.
•Teach children how to play by themselves. This can be done by being present in the room while a child is playing with a toy and interacting about the toy but not playing with the child with the toy. Teaching children how to be alone can be done by designating a time where the parent has “personal time” (say to read a book) and not be disturbed by the child. (For very young children the parent can be in the same room but discourage interaction for short periods of time.)
•Use Descriptive Praise (see blog of April 19, 2012) to reinforce positive behavior when the children are not squabbling.
•Use Reflective Listening (see Blog of March 28, 2012) to acknowledge the child’s feelings. For example, grant the child’s fantasy wish. For example, “Wouldn’t it be nice to have daddy all to yourself.” Or, “I bet you wish that you didn’t have to share your toys with your bother.”
•Ask the child for suggestions about how the problem might be solved. Do not tell the child how to resolve the problem because the solution will be yours, not the child’s. By soliciting suggestions from the child, the parent is encouraging independence and problem solving.
•Demonstrate how to resolve conflicts. When a parent chooses to become involved in siblings’ conflict both children must be present to discuss the conflict. Begin by defining the rules of the conflict resolution:
- Each child is allowed to speak for a defined amount of time, without interruption.
- If the explanation by the child is unfocused, the parent can summarize and clarify the child’s complaint.
- Use reflective listening to acknowledge each child’s feelings and problems with the sibling. This is the most important step because the parent is acknowledging the child’s feelings and conveying understanding. This step is necessary for the children to be able to move toward resolution.
- Clarify with each child what behavior upset the sibling and have the child acknowledge what he/she did to upset the sibling. For example, “I took Joey’s sleepy toy and he got upset.”
- Have each child request of the other child how he/she wants the sibling to behave in the future. For example, “I want you to not touch my computer. If a child won’t participate in this step, continue to use reflective listening until the child feels understood.
•Ignoring minor squabbles. Squabbles can be an opportunity for siblings to learn how to resolve conflicts. When there is conflict between siblings, parents have a tendency to side with the younger child. When this happens, the older child feels blamed and may take the anger out on the younger child. This suggestion is last because if the parents have created an environment where children get positive attention and feel appreciated through the above suggestions, the number and severity of squabbles will be minimal.
Is sibling squabbling bad? Sibling squabbling is natural and can be an opportunity to learn sharing, taking turns and handling disagreements. When siblings routinely squabble it may be because their needs for recognition and appreciation are not being met. Parents can change the emotional environment in the home to reduce sibling squabbles.
Written by Roberta Hoffman and Hillary Wollin